
To: All Employees
Re: Revised Retirement Policy

     As a result of the reduction in money budgeted for divisional 
purposes, we are going to cut down on our number of personnel. Under 
the plan, older employees will go on early retirement, thus permitting 
the retention of younger people who represent our future plans.

     Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of 
the current year, via retirement, will be placed into effect 
immediately. The program will be known as RAPE (RETIRE AGED PERSONNEL 
EARLY.)

     Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to work 
other jobs within the system. Provided that they are being RAPED, 
they can request a review of their employment records before actual 
retirement takes place. This phase of the operation is called SCREW 
(SURVEY of CAPABILITIES of RETIRED EARLY WORKERS.)

     All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may also apply for a 
trial service. This will be called SHAFT (STUDY by HIGH AUTHORITY 
FOLLOWING TERMINATION.) Progress policy dictates employees may be 
RAPED once and SCREWED twice, but may get the SHAFT as many times as 
the company deems appropriate.

     If the employee fills the above requirements, he will be entitled 
to get HERPES (HALF EARNINGS of RETIRED PERSONS EMPLOYMENT SERVICE.) 
HERPES is considered a bonus plan as the employees can no longer be 
RAPED OR SCREWED by the company.  

                                               -  The Management

                   Sign Up For Additional Training

     It is now and always has been the policy of the company to ensure 
employees are well trained through our SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING 
program (SHIT.) We have given our employees more SHIT than any other 
company in this area. If an employee feels he or she does not receive 
SHIT on the job, see your immediate Supervisor. Our management is 
especially trained to ensure that you will get all the SHIT you can 
stand.

